The Mother App

What is one thing absolutely every human being has from the moment they were born?

I know you’re tempted to say reflexes, or kneecaps, or a smart phone, and you’re close, but in this particular case, the answer is: a MOTHER.

I think we all know plenty of people with stories to tell of their mothers. Some of the anecdotes are fairy tales, but most of them are historical horrors that will curl your toes. Others will admit they have no memory of their mothers, no history with their mothers and were likely hatched in a Petri dish in a laboratory buried deep beneath the Swiss Alps.

I’m not here to argue, but I think we all know that the whole ‘babies hatched in Petri dishes beneath the Alps’ story to be totally false.

They’re beneath the Bernese Alps. Let’s be specific.

Regardless, if I were to hazard a guess, we’ve probably all spent a minute or two of our lives imagining …

THE PERFECT MOTHER.

And I would like to suggest someone in AppLand creates “The Mother App.”

There are bucketloads of “mother-like” apps available for purchase and downloading today. Assistance for the working mother, the single mother, and even the “Oh my God, I’m going to be a mother!” mother. Fancy apps will turn themselves into a baby monitor. They will track your phone, your purse, or your diminishing bank account. These apps can even wash and fold your laundry for you and keep it tucked up safe in cloud storage. They’re amazing.

But I think many of us dream about the day we can make our ultimate wish list on the mother menu a reality. Heck, Obamacare is all about tailoring our medical management and wellness programs, and we’ve got the options to modify everything from our choice in education to our online surfing experience, so why can’t technology whip up a workable version of exactly what everyone wants and needs? And then slip it into the palm of our hands for effortless access?

Easy peasy.

Some of us need The Coach. A constant slug of You can do it! slogans from the moment the alarm buzzer fires off to the minute the game is called, you finish the day and hit the showers. You’ll feel like a champ and likely complete the day with a medal around your neck.

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Others require The Nudge. This app is for the individuals who without constant reminders will forget to have breakfast, misplace their gym shoes, waylay their keys and fail to keep appointments. They’ll even show up at the wrong address after work only to realize they don’t own a standard poodle, somebody moved the bathroom and the woman they just kissed hello at the front door was not their wife. They need that tiny tapping at the trap door to their brain that only a mother (the Nudge) knows how to access.

No one wants to feel like a total failure in this department so one would need an app that will fill your head not only with the necessary motherly memos, but also throw you a few bones in the format of Don’t you worry, honey. Your brain is filled with much more important things than recalling passwords and remembering birthdays. I’m here for you. Now eat some fiber like my good little tiger.

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A few folks desire Dr. Mom. Do you feel like you’re continually right on the edge of coming down with something? Achy, stiff, potentially feverish? This would be the Mother App for you. Just by holding your smart phone in your hand, or keeping it in your breast or back pocket, it will effortlessly monitor your heart rate, body temperature, and bowel movements. It will remind you when you need your next dose of pain killers, suggest you take a nap, and write an excused absence note for you to take to the office the next day. It will care for you better than you care for yourself. And you will sleep better for it. Now go eat some fiber.

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But maybe you’re seeking The Ear.

You don’t want any I could see this coming a mile away.

No thanks on the Here’s what I think you should do.

And a big fat nix on the I told you so, and this is the thanks I get for it?

Instead, you pay for silence. With the occasional Um hm thrown in along with a light sprinkling of You poor baby. Some people just need a place to unload and not have the eye-popping therapy bill to show for it.

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There you have it. I know we can all think of gobs and wads more, but I’m going to suggest you have at it in the Chatty Cathy comment section. Let me know what would be available on your perfect Mother App.

And now folks, I’m off to attempt to be the best mother I can be, and will remember to send a huge hug of thanks to the best mother I model myself after—my own. There ain’t no app like her! (Thanks, Mom. ❤ )

Happy Mum’s Day to all our American mothers, but Happy Being a Mum Day to all the rest around our globe even if today isn’t the day you get served burnt toast in bed. (And if you’ve not seen this short and wonderfully special video yet, I promise you won’t regret it!)

~Shelley

Ten days left for the “Help A Teen Do Experiments in Space I Don’t Understand”  fundraising campaign on Indiegogo. If you think space is cool, give it looksee! And a massive thanks to all of you who have already contributed to science. You guys are awesome. 😀

Don’t forget to check out what we’re cookin’ in the Scullery and what we all talked about down in the pub. Plus, you can see more of Robin Gott‘s humor–all from the only pen carved from a human funny bone.

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33 thoughts on “The Mother App

  1. This reminds me of the Couch-to-5K app I downloaded that had different trainer types for the voice prompts. They had the Cheerleader, the Coach, the Zombie, and the Hard-Ass. I chose the last one and love it. Except apps have the fatal flaw of being able to be shut down, soooo~ *hasn’t gone running in two months* Lol.

    • Shout down or shut off? And I suppose we all do that do our mums too. I’ve seen my kids do the whole fingers in the ear singing la, la, la routine.
      So you’ve made a good point that perhaps there should be some sort of automatic default setting where the app can spring back to life automatically anytime you connect to wifi. Maybe?
      Or that could get old real fast.
      And Alex, I greatly admire your pursuit of getting closer to that 5K. I’m the kind of person that every time I get the urge to run, I sit down until it passes.

  2. One year, Sis and I placed a spoof ad in the local paper on the acknowledgements and special occasions page for ‘Rent a Mum’. She had one phone call (from my brother in law), and her only concern was ‘How did he get my number???’ .
    Here in the UK Mother’s Day was celebrated in March. I wrote my Mum a special poem, putting it in a card made with a lot of love.

    • I love that story–Rent a Mum. What a giggle.
      And yes, I wish it were made so that all our international calendars coordinated on a few things. It could be so simple, yes?
      Regardless, I bet your words meant a lot. I think those are the best presents.

  3. Oh my, I don’t think I could just chose just one. I would pay for all of them, ESP the fold your laundry. Mine has been laying in the basket for three days now! 🙂

    • Okay, and that laundry needs to STAY in that basket today, right? Or perhaps it can magically disappear of it’s own accord (ahem, any one tall enough to reach the controls on the machine).
      Thanks for taking the time out of your busy, special day to read, but maybe it’s because you’ve got your feet up in a hammock someplace with good WiFi reception?
      Happy Mother’s Day to you, Sasha!

      • Haha, yes the pile still remains. I am still a mom of the napping children in which I had a few minutes to enjoy some blog reading. Sadly, no hammock in view! 🙂

        • Tie all the arms and legs of your laundry’s shirts and pants together–into some assembly of a giant woven pot holder and string the whole thing up between two trees. Homemade hammock. Stinky maybe too, sorry.

  4. “Don’t you worry, honey. Your brain is filled with much more important things than RECALLING PASSWORDS and remembering birthdays. I’m here for you. Now eat some fiber like my good little tiger.” this seems somewhat ironic? or coincidental? nonetheless, apps for recalling passwords….. Im all in!! And Im seeing flickering lights of poetry… back when I use to go to school (like last week friday) fiber and tiger rhymed 😀 Awesome post anyways!!!

    • Totally coincidental, I promise. The blogs are written weeks in advance–which had me laughing while doing the final edits last night. NOT AT YOUR EXPENSE! (Okay, well, not entirely at your expense. 😉 )
      And nice pot shot at my lack of poetic finesse.
      Now maybe take all that good motherly advice and go see your doctor.
      Thanks for the comment … Fred.

  5. I know I’m a bit late, but I hope you had a very happy Mother’s Day, Shelley! And I’m sure your kids are well aware that no app could ever compare to you. (Speaking of apps, I’m admitting my profound ignorance here when I say that I don’t really understand them. I know they stand for “application,” but other than that, I’m clueless. Do people use these things on their phones? Because that would explain a lot. My phone is so old, it doesn’t even take pictures, and I think it was made before apps were invented.) As for my mom, I think she’s perfect just as she is–she’s expertly mastered each of the roles you describe above. I’m not half as good as she is, but I wouldn’t be half as good as I am if it weren’t for her unconditional love, kindness, and encouragement. (And I love that video you shared! My sister posted that on her FB page, and I couldn’t resist commenting: “And you wonder why I’m not having kids.”)

    • Firstly, Miranda, thank you for the very sweet wishes – and at 15 and 18, as heavily steeped in technology as they are, I’m not 100% sure my kids wouldn’t at least pause to consider a smart phone app over the real thing. The real thing has a lot to say and has no “power off” button. 🙂
      And funny enough, our lives run parallel again in that I truly believed I had Apple’s first prototype for a phone. It was archaic, and apparently a total embarrassment to my kids if I ever brought it out in public. Nothing worked on it apart from the calculator and occasionally the ability to make outgoing calls (as long as it was the third day of the month and there was a full moon in Guatemala).
      I’m not surprised your mother is as dynamic as you describe. It’s clear she was determined to make the best human she possibly could. And I have to add, my family (yep, we talk about you) all think you’d make a terrific mom. 😛

      • Haha! Well, I feel a little better about my crappy old phone now–it does receive calls and texts, and it even has an alarm clock. I often wonder if I should upgrade to 21st century technology, but in all honesty, I really hate talking on the phone, so I figure I’ll stick with what I have for now. Aw, that is so sweet of you to say, Shelley, but I figure I’ll leave motherhood to the superwomen such as yourself. 🙂 And I talk about you too! When I mention your name, my mom knows I’m talking about my awesome blogger friend. (I’ve read some of your posts aloud to her, and she’s enjoyed them as much I do.)

  6. Pingback: a little bit of this and a little bit of that | my year[s] of sweat!

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